I've always been a BIG worry wart. I worry about my life, your life, their life. I worry about the weather, my family, friends and pets (if I had them!). I worry about the price of gas, why orange is such a popular color and how on Earth I got to be 32. This is staring to sound like a bad version of a Pattly Loveless song! To make a long story short, I worry. A lot. Nearly everything I worry about is way out of my control. But, I still feel the need to worry about it. Why do I do this to myself? It's like a game. Emily, sure it's necessary to worry when the price of milk will start coming down. And, those credit card bills? Yep, worry about those, too. Why aren't you a size 4? You probably ought to worry and obsess about the scale...just add that to your ever-growing list. Why not! Do you see a pattern here?
I worry to the point of feeling anxious about "things" that worry me. Sounds great, right? NOT! Most people that know me will agree that I am a super control freak. If I don't have control over MOST of life, then that's just not good enough. So, if you're gonna throw me a surprise party, think again. I didn't spend months and months helping you plan it, so it's obviously gonna suck and not be absolutely perfect. WTF? And, that speech you just delivered? Yep, I would've given a better one. Oops, that leads me to another one of my flaws. Pride. Sure, you might think I am generous, but I'm usually just harboring feelings of resentment for anyone that has the nerve to do something better and faster. I have to be the best at everything and feel like a total failure when I am proven wrong. Anything you can do, I can do better. Oh yeah, you baked that cake in 35 minutes? Well, move over, 'cause I can make it in 34. Seriously, this is how my brain works most of the time. I'm not saying this holds true when it comes to my friends. I am genuinely happy for anything they do. But, if I don't know you, then it's game on. Let's see who can tie their shoelaces the fastest. I can pretty much make a competition out of any activity.
What's your point, Emily? I knew you'd ask. My point is this. I'm beginning a journey to stop these behaviors. As Brooks and Dunn sang, "I saw the light...". Good thing, too. I've been drinking a little too much "haterade" for my own good lately. You know what's helped me the most? Running. Yep. Running has forced me to get really honest with myself. I've realized that I haven't been all that nice lately. In other words, I need a filter for my mouth! If you've been acting like a "douche bag", then I've been letting the whole wide world know it. Screw you if you don't like me. Screw you if you don't agree with everything I do. Screw you for not thinking I am an amazing person. I'm slowly learning that that's not a wise thing to do. At least not broadcasting it to anyone and everyone who'll listen! As the song goes, sometimes the "tales grow taller on down the line". Running has become my own "white flag".
Why do I let someone's opinion of me influence my life so much? I know why. Because, like most girls who are like this, I have issues with self-esteem. Hence the reason why I started running in the first place. I'll admit, I did it for reasons that I am not proud of at this moment. Yes, I did it because I thought someone had done me wrong. It doesn't matter who. Hell, at the time I started, it could've been a dog. Anyway, I started running as a sort of "middle finger salute". Like a, "how dare you treat me like that?". Well, I'll show you. I'm gonna do something that you probably think I can't. Fast-forward nine weeks and I feel great! I've slowly let go of those old tendencies. Granted, the middle finger has come down and I feel no ill will toward anyone but the person who thinks orange is the new black. Three months ago, the only thing I would've run to would've been a bowl of ice cream or a bed! Now? I'm running for me. I'm running for anyone that thinks it's impossible. I'm running for my health and well-being. I'm running to prove to myself that I can. And, I have! I will admit that it's been hard at times. I've found myself on the treadmill thinking, "what the hell are YOU doing? You stupid asshole! YOU can't do this?". Well, I've learned to silence that voice inside my head always telling me I CAN'T. Because, you know what? I can. I've been proving that over and over for the last nine weeks. And, I'm going to keep on proving it until I cross that finish line at the half marathon. Watch me. Don't worry. You're safe. I won't give you the "bird"! I've softened...A LOT!
I was talking to a friend this evening about running the Schweizer Fest 2-mile this year. Her reply was, "Yes, but I'm running the six-mile. And, you are, too". How can I argue with that? I can't. I am seriously considering it. Will I be the fastest? Hell no. But, at least I won't be asleep in bed, still hungover from the beer garden like most of TC! I'm a "real" athlete now. I've got miles to go before I sleep...
My old self would've said, "if it's hard, DON'T DO IT". Sorry, old self. but, you're gettin' kicked to the curb. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. These running shoes are made for running...and, one of these days, these running shoes are gonna run all over you. YOU being my former "you sure can't run so don't even try" self.
If I've inspired one person to get out there and run 30 seconds, then I've done my job. My new life motto is "pay it forward". I don't wanna be anyone's hero. I'm much too flawed for that title. I just want to be a someone who gets people to change their way of thinking. To stop thinking that they can't do something. As corny as it sounds, you really CAN do anything you put your mind to. Kindly remember that the next time you start to to think this "phat" girl can't run.
Remember that little engine? Yeah, I'm striving to be like it. "I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN" :)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
This Ain't Your Typical "Animal Kingdom" :)
I have decided to really "study up" on the mating rituals of animals. Yes, maybe I have lost it. But, then again, did I ever really have "it"? I think not! So, here we go to the animal kingdom...
1. CATS: I've discovered that a female cat will start by flirting with the male cat (also called a Tom). Of course, there's the beginning of our problem. The male cat actually is called by a common name. Yikes! Anyway, so she flirts a lot. Females go through four hormonal cycles. I won't go into detail with any of them. But, I will say this. The most important stage (and the one that I, of course, found funniest!) is called estrus. It's stage two. This stage is also known as "heat". No, not the NBA team. The queen, as female cats are called (how fitting!), will meow more frequently in an attempt to find her tom. She might rub up against you, perhaps because she thinks you're that "tom". Probably one of the reasons why I don't really want a cat! If you happen to have a cat, be prepared to be in agony for 4-6 days. If, by some chance, Queen finds her Tom, both cats will study each other carefully. The two cats will explore each other's bodies, including licking the face and then staring at the genitals. Seriously? Might as well just rent a porn for the two. Your cat might be quite selective in which Tom she goes after. And, please don't be offended if she goes after a different Tom than the one you foolishly tried to set her up with...shame on you for not really knowing her true tastes :)
2. DOGS: Dogs have always fascinated me. Their mating behaviors are quite unique. The "bitch" has her first "heat" experience anywhere from 6-12 months of age. What a slut! At any rate, this is when the bitches realize the ways of the world. It doesn't take them long to find that male companion. The testosterone level in male dogs reaches its peak around 5 months of age (wow, really?) By this time, their repetitive mounting and thrusting behaviors have probably started to become a nuisance to their owners. I mean, why buy the porn when you can get the act for free in your own backyard? Also, the male and female dog literally get stuck together during the act. OMG. I think I've read enough.
3. RABBITS: "Bunny Sex" has baffled mankind for years, even to the point of becoming legendary. It's not so much that rabbits are always having marathon sex sessions (Ha...they do not), but their ability to manifest an awesome propagation is quite astounding. They can literally make millions from a single sex session. Gives new meaning to "We are the World", doesn't it?!? Bunny courtship always starts with the male rabbit (buck) being attracted to the female rabbit (doe). Gee, I think I liked the minds of the dogs and cats better! The buck's testicles are full and bulging during his virile stage. Otherwise, they are absorbed into his abdomen. Okay, that's just disgusting. To make a long story short, buck meets doe. Buck lets doe know he's interested. He'll start to circle his potential prize, showing off his tail and underside. He'll start to act really crazy and even urinate on the doe. Hmm, I'm glad this concept somehow didn't translate over to the human world. The entire act of sex for rabbits takes about 20 seconds. Then, it's time for "Little Bunny Foo Foo" to hop, hop, hop away :)
4. CHICKENS: The typical mating ritual starts with the rooster dancing around the hen. Perhaps he thinks he's in "da club" and needs to prove his "mad" dance skills. He'll flap his wing around her but, more often than not, the smart hen will run away, only to be chased down by the rooster and mounted...and, that is how the insemination process begins! Damn roosters. I have discovered through hours of research (okay, so maybe just about five minutes!) that roosters are very clever animals. Another ritual involves the rooster's cunning. When a rooster feels the need to get a hen pregnant, he'll lead her out to food. He'll do this by making a loud, high-pitched clucking sound. Being a gentleman, he'll kindly let the hen eat first. And, out of nowhere, he'll mount her from behind. What a typical male! At least the hen got to eat first :)
5. BANANA SLUGS: These slugs are really funny! The average eight-inch slug also has an eight-inch penis. When he first realizes this, I am sure he's probably really, really stoked. When he hears through the grapevine that his potential mate could actually chew it off, he probably becomes just a wee bit depressed! As you can see, this fact could cause a huge problem for the banana slug, because they must find a mate that is the same size. If they happen to have been born with crappy eyesight, they won't properly fit and then the mate will gnaw on it like a chicken wing to solve the length problem, or lack thereof! The record holder for slugs had a penis five times the length of its own body, which I can only assume it wrapped around its head as protection on a cold winter's night :)
Moral of my research? I've learned nothing but this...everyone and everything has sex. Men. Women. Cats. Dogs. Rabbits. Chickens. Even those damn banana slugs! It's everywhere. On TV. In bedrooms. In cars. On the ground. In a van down by the river. Everywhere, people!
Now, it's time for me to get back to my own porno...and, it's happening right in my back yard :)
1. CATS: I've discovered that a female cat will start by flirting with the male cat (also called a Tom). Of course, there's the beginning of our problem. The male cat actually is called by a common name. Yikes! Anyway, so she flirts a lot. Females go through four hormonal cycles. I won't go into detail with any of them. But, I will say this. The most important stage (and the one that I, of course, found funniest!) is called estrus. It's stage two. This stage is also known as "heat". No, not the NBA team. The queen, as female cats are called (how fitting!), will meow more frequently in an attempt to find her tom. She might rub up against you, perhaps because she thinks you're that "tom". Probably one of the reasons why I don't really want a cat! If you happen to have a cat, be prepared to be in agony for 4-6 days. If, by some chance, Queen finds her Tom, both cats will study each other carefully. The two cats will explore each other's bodies, including licking the face and then staring at the genitals. Seriously? Might as well just rent a porn for the two. Your cat might be quite selective in which Tom she goes after. And, please don't be offended if she goes after a different Tom than the one you foolishly tried to set her up with...shame on you for not really knowing her true tastes :)
2. DOGS: Dogs have always fascinated me. Their mating behaviors are quite unique. The "bitch" has her first "heat" experience anywhere from 6-12 months of age. What a slut! At any rate, this is when the bitches realize the ways of the world. It doesn't take them long to find that male companion. The testosterone level in male dogs reaches its peak around 5 months of age (wow, really?) By this time, their repetitive mounting and thrusting behaviors have probably started to become a nuisance to their owners. I mean, why buy the porn when you can get the act for free in your own backyard? Also, the male and female dog literally get stuck together during the act. OMG. I think I've read enough.
3. RABBITS: "Bunny Sex" has baffled mankind for years, even to the point of becoming legendary. It's not so much that rabbits are always having marathon sex sessions (Ha...they do not), but their ability to manifest an awesome propagation is quite astounding. They can literally make millions from a single sex session. Gives new meaning to "We are the World", doesn't it?!? Bunny courtship always starts with the male rabbit (buck) being attracted to the female rabbit (doe). Gee, I think I liked the minds of the dogs and cats better! The buck's testicles are full and bulging during his virile stage. Otherwise, they are absorbed into his abdomen. Okay, that's just disgusting. To make a long story short, buck meets doe. Buck lets doe know he's interested. He'll start to circle his potential prize, showing off his tail and underside. He'll start to act really crazy and even urinate on the doe. Hmm, I'm glad this concept somehow didn't translate over to the human world. The entire act of sex for rabbits takes about 20 seconds. Then, it's time for "Little Bunny Foo Foo" to hop, hop, hop away :)
4. CHICKENS: The typical mating ritual starts with the rooster dancing around the hen. Perhaps he thinks he's in "da club" and needs to prove his "mad" dance skills. He'll flap his wing around her but, more often than not, the smart hen will run away, only to be chased down by the rooster and mounted...and, that is how the insemination process begins! Damn roosters. I have discovered through hours of research (okay, so maybe just about five minutes!) that roosters are very clever animals. Another ritual involves the rooster's cunning. When a rooster feels the need to get a hen pregnant, he'll lead her out to food. He'll do this by making a loud, high-pitched clucking sound. Being a gentleman, he'll kindly let the hen eat first. And, out of nowhere, he'll mount her from behind. What a typical male! At least the hen got to eat first :)
5. BANANA SLUGS: These slugs are really funny! The average eight-inch slug also has an eight-inch penis. When he first realizes this, I am sure he's probably really, really stoked. When he hears through the grapevine that his potential mate could actually chew it off, he probably becomes just a wee bit depressed! As you can see, this fact could cause a huge problem for the banana slug, because they must find a mate that is the same size. If they happen to have been born with crappy eyesight, they won't properly fit and then the mate will gnaw on it like a chicken wing to solve the length problem, or lack thereof! The record holder for slugs had a penis five times the length of its own body, which I can only assume it wrapped around its head as protection on a cold winter's night :)
Moral of my research? I've learned nothing but this...everyone and everything has sex. Men. Women. Cats. Dogs. Rabbits. Chickens. Even those damn banana slugs! It's everywhere. On TV. In bedrooms. In cars. On the ground. In a van down by the river. Everywhere, people!
Now, it's time for me to get back to my own porno...and, it's happening right in my back yard :)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Runnin' Down a Dream...
Well, it's nearly summer and it has once again snuck up on me and my giant arse. Ya know what, though? I'm seven weeks in to the C25K program and I am amazed at how my booty is slowly, but surely, shrinking. Who knew running would actually be beneficial! I used to hate to run. And, I used to hate the people that loved to run. I'd see those dedicated "losers" out running in rain, sleet, snow and hail and wonder if they were smoking the crack pipe. I'm here to tell the doubters this...GET OUT THERE AND DO IT! One step at a time. Seven weeks ago, I was barely able to talk after jumping off the treadmill. Now? I feel great! I am up to running 25 minutes without stopping. That might not sounds like a lot but, to me, it's HUGE! And, now when I'm finished, I don't feel like I am gonna fall over and die. Running, and this program, has truly been one of THE best things that has ever happened to me. Not only for the obvious health benefits (and, the fact that I think someone could start bouncing quarters off my derriere!), but I have gained oodles and oodles of confidence. Believe me, if I can run, I can do anything. Okay, okay, not anything. I refuse to eat mushrooms. Or, brussel sprouts. Or, drink coffee or tea. But, other than those things, BRING IT ON :)
So, I have almost conquered the C25K program. I definitely was a big skeptic in the beginning. I can't do this! It's too hard! I'm too fat! I don't have time! I'm so tired! I'm so hungry! I can't, I don't, I won't...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I made a promise to myself that nothing was going to stop me from reaching the end. Not being too tired. Not being too afraid. Not anyone thinking I couldn't do it. I know I'm not the world's fastest runner. I don't want that title. I just want to be able to run and not die. Exercise and not collapse. Rise above the odds and keep going. One mile at a time.
I'm a wee bit embarrassed to admit that, in the beginning, my motivation for wanting to complete the program went a little beyond just the obvious benefits of health and wellness. I am a pretty competitive person. If you tell me I can't do something or somehow doubt that I can do something, then I'll do it. And, do it way better than ever imagined. So, that was my motivation at the start. Now? My motivation is all those people that have been so incredibly supportive. Those that have given me advice. Those that have believed in my abilities. At this point, I'm like the little engine that could. And, you know what? I'm gonna "keep on keepin' on" until I get to my goal. And, that is 13.1 :)
Moral of this story? Go out and conquer your fears. If you want to run, then run. If you want to bungee jump, then take the plunge. If you want to eat a tub of ice cream, then do it. But, can you let me know when that happens so I can invite myself over? That'd be great!
On that note, the Kenyans called. They heard about my story and need some running advice ;)
So, I have almost conquered the C25K program. I definitely was a big skeptic in the beginning. I can't do this! It's too hard! I'm too fat! I don't have time! I'm so tired! I'm so hungry! I can't, I don't, I won't...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I made a promise to myself that nothing was going to stop me from reaching the end. Not being too tired. Not being too afraid. Not anyone thinking I couldn't do it. I know I'm not the world's fastest runner. I don't want that title. I just want to be able to run and not die. Exercise and not collapse. Rise above the odds and keep going. One mile at a time.
I'm a wee bit embarrassed to admit that, in the beginning, my motivation for wanting to complete the program went a little beyond just the obvious benefits of health and wellness. I am a pretty competitive person. If you tell me I can't do something or somehow doubt that I can do something, then I'll do it. And, do it way better than ever imagined. So, that was my motivation at the start. Now? My motivation is all those people that have been so incredibly supportive. Those that have given me advice. Those that have believed in my abilities. At this point, I'm like the little engine that could. And, you know what? I'm gonna "keep on keepin' on" until I get to my goal. And, that is 13.1 :)
Moral of this story? Go out and conquer your fears. If you want to run, then run. If you want to bungee jump, then take the plunge. If you want to eat a tub of ice cream, then do it. But, can you let me know when that happens so I can invite myself over? That'd be great!
On that note, the Kenyans called. They heard about my story and need some running advice ;)
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