I've always been a BIG worry wart. I worry about my life, your life, their life. I worry about the weather, my family, friends and pets (if I had them!). I worry about the price of gas, why orange is such a popular color and how on Earth I got to be 32. This is staring to sound like a bad version of a Pattly Loveless song! To make a long story short, I worry. A lot. Nearly everything I worry about is way out of my control. But, I still feel the need to worry about it. Why do I do this to myself? It's like a game. Emily, sure it's necessary to worry when the price of milk will start coming down. And, those credit card bills? Yep, worry about those, too. Why aren't you a size 4? You probably ought to worry and obsess about the scale...just add that to your ever-growing list. Why not! Do you see a pattern here?
I worry to the point of feeling anxious about "things" that worry me. Sounds great, right? NOT! Most people that know me will agree that I am a super control freak. If I don't have control over MOST of life, then that's just not good enough. So, if you're gonna throw me a surprise party, think again. I didn't spend months and months helping you plan it, so it's obviously gonna suck and not be absolutely perfect. WTF? And, that speech you just delivered? Yep, I would've given a better one. Oops, that leads me to another one of my flaws. Pride. Sure, you might think I am generous, but I'm usually just harboring feelings of resentment for anyone that has the nerve to do something better and faster. I have to be the best at everything and feel like a total failure when I am proven wrong. Anything you can do, I can do better. Oh yeah, you baked that cake in 35 minutes? Well, move over, 'cause I can make it in 34. Seriously, this is how my brain works most of the time. I'm not saying this holds true when it comes to my friends. I am genuinely happy for anything they do. But, if I don't know you, then it's game on. Let's see who can tie their shoelaces the fastest. I can pretty much make a competition out of any activity.
What's your point, Emily? I knew you'd ask. My point is this. I'm beginning a journey to stop these behaviors. As Brooks and Dunn sang, "I saw the light...". Good thing, too. I've been drinking a little too much "haterade" for my own good lately. You know what's helped me the most? Running. Yep. Running has forced me to get really honest with myself. I've realized that I haven't been all that nice lately. In other words, I need a filter for my mouth! If you've been acting like a "douche bag", then I've been letting the whole wide world know it. Screw you if you don't like me. Screw you if you don't agree with everything I do. Screw you for not thinking I am an amazing person. I'm slowly learning that that's not a wise thing to do. At least not broadcasting it to anyone and everyone who'll listen! As the song goes, sometimes the "tales grow taller on down the line". Running has become my own "white flag".
Why do I let someone's opinion of me influence my life so much? I know why. Because, like most girls who are like this, I have issues with self-esteem. Hence the reason why I started running in the first place. I'll admit, I did it for reasons that I am not proud of at this moment. Yes, I did it because I thought someone had done me wrong. It doesn't matter who. Hell, at the time I started, it could've been a dog. Anyway, I started running as a sort of "middle finger salute". Like a, "how dare you treat me like that?". Well, I'll show you. I'm gonna do something that you probably think I can't. Fast-forward nine weeks and I feel great! I've slowly let go of those old tendencies. Granted, the middle finger has come down and I feel no ill will toward anyone but the person who thinks orange is the new black. Three months ago, the only thing I would've run to would've been a bowl of ice cream or a bed! Now? I'm running for me. I'm running for anyone that thinks it's impossible. I'm running for my health and well-being. I'm running to prove to myself that I can. And, I have! I will admit that it's been hard at times. I've found myself on the treadmill thinking, "what the hell are YOU doing? You stupid asshole! YOU can't do this?". Well, I've learned to silence that voice inside my head always telling me I CAN'T. Because, you know what? I can. I've been proving that over and over for the last nine weeks. And, I'm going to keep on proving it until I cross that finish line at the half marathon. Watch me. Don't worry. You're safe. I won't give you the "bird"! I've softened...A LOT!
I was talking to a friend this evening about running the Schweizer Fest 2-mile this year. Her reply was, "Yes, but I'm running the six-mile. And, you are, too". How can I argue with that? I can't. I am seriously considering it. Will I be the fastest? Hell no. But, at least I won't be asleep in bed, still hungover from the beer garden like most of TC! I'm a "real" athlete now. I've got miles to go before I sleep...
My old self would've said, "if it's hard, DON'T DO IT". Sorry, old self. but, you're gettin' kicked to the curb. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. These running shoes are made for running...and, one of these days, these running shoes are gonna run all over you. YOU being my former "you sure can't run so don't even try" self.
If I've inspired one person to get out there and run 30 seconds, then I've done my job. My new life motto is "pay it forward". I don't wanna be anyone's hero. I'm much too flawed for that title. I just want to be a someone who gets people to change their way of thinking. To stop thinking that they can't do something. As corny as it sounds, you really CAN do anything you put your mind to. Kindly remember that the next time you start to to think this "phat" girl can't run.
Remember that little engine? Yeah, I'm striving to be like it. "I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN" :)
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