I have decided to really "study up" on the mating rituals of animals. Yes, maybe I have lost it. But, then again, did I ever really have "it"? I think not! So, here we go to the animal kingdom...
1. CATS: I've discovered that a female cat will start by flirting with the male cat (also called a Tom). Of course, there's the beginning of our problem. The male cat actually is called by a common name. Yikes! Anyway, so she flirts a lot. Females go through four hormonal cycles. I won't go into detail with any of them. But, I will say this. The most important stage (and the one that I, of course, found funniest!) is called estrus. It's stage two. This stage is also known as "heat". No, not the NBA team. The queen, as female cats are called (how fitting!), will meow more frequently in an attempt to find her tom. She might rub up against you, perhaps because she thinks you're that "tom". Probably one of the reasons why I don't really want a cat! If you happen to have a cat, be prepared to be in agony for 4-6 days. If, by some chance, Queen finds her Tom, both cats will study each other carefully. The two cats will explore each other's bodies, including licking the face and then staring at the genitals. Seriously? Might as well just rent a porn for the two. Your cat might be quite selective in which Tom she goes after. And, please don't be offended if she goes after a different Tom than the one you foolishly tried to set her up with...shame on you for not really knowing her true tastes :)
2. DOGS: Dogs have always fascinated me. Their mating behaviors are quite unique. The "bitch" has her first "heat" experience anywhere from 6-12 months of age. What a slut! At any rate, this is when the bitches realize the ways of the world. It doesn't take them long to find that male companion. The testosterone level in male dogs reaches its peak around 5 months of age (wow, really?) By this time, their repetitive mounting and thrusting behaviors have probably started to become a nuisance to their owners. I mean, why buy the porn when you can get the act for free in your own backyard? Also, the male and female dog literally get stuck together during the act. OMG. I think I've read enough.
3. RABBITS: "Bunny Sex" has baffled mankind for years, even to the point of becoming legendary. It's not so much that rabbits are always having marathon sex sessions (Ha...they do not), but their ability to manifest an awesome propagation is quite astounding. They can literally make millions from a single sex session. Gives new meaning to "We are the World", doesn't it?!? Bunny courtship always starts with the male rabbit (buck) being attracted to the female rabbit (doe). Gee, I think I liked the minds of the dogs and cats better! The buck's testicles are full and bulging during his virile stage. Otherwise, they are absorbed into his abdomen. Okay, that's just disgusting. To make a long story short, buck meets doe. Buck lets doe know he's interested. He'll start to circle his potential prize, showing off his tail and underside. He'll start to act really crazy and even urinate on the doe. Hmm, I'm glad this concept somehow didn't translate over to the human world. The entire act of sex for rabbits takes about 20 seconds. Then, it's time for "Little Bunny Foo Foo" to hop, hop, hop away :)
4. CHICKENS: The typical mating ritual starts with the rooster dancing around the hen. Perhaps he thinks he's in "da club" and needs to prove his "mad" dance skills. He'll flap his wing around her but, more often than not, the smart hen will run away, only to be chased down by the rooster and mounted...and, that is how the insemination process begins! Damn roosters. I have discovered through hours of research (okay, so maybe just about five minutes!) that roosters are very clever animals. Another ritual involves the rooster's cunning. When a rooster feels the need to get a hen pregnant, he'll lead her out to food. He'll do this by making a loud, high-pitched clucking sound. Being a gentleman, he'll kindly let the hen eat first. And, out of nowhere, he'll mount her from behind. What a typical male! At least the hen got to eat first :)
5. BANANA SLUGS: These slugs are really funny! The average eight-inch slug also has an eight-inch penis. When he first realizes this, I am sure he's probably really, really stoked. When he hears through the grapevine that his potential mate could actually chew it off, he probably becomes just a wee bit depressed! As you can see, this fact could cause a huge problem for the banana slug, because they must find a mate that is the same size. If they happen to have been born with crappy eyesight, they won't properly fit and then the mate will gnaw on it like a chicken wing to solve the length problem, or lack thereof! The record holder for slugs had a penis five times the length of its own body, which I can only assume it wrapped around its head as protection on a cold winter's night :)
Moral of my research? I've learned nothing but this...everyone and everything has sex. Men. Women. Cats. Dogs. Rabbits. Chickens. Even those damn banana slugs! It's everywhere. On TV. In bedrooms. In cars. On the ground. In a van down by the river. Everywhere, people!
Now, it's time for me to get back to my own porno...and, it's happening right in my back yard :)
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